And the "great home debacle of 09" continues

So this weekend marks weekend number 4 of the "Great Home Debacle 09". I am starting to think maybe I should get T-shirts made up and sell them for extra cash, or maybe even contact one of those networks like HGTV or TLC and have them film this for some reality TV show, because I assure you this experience has been nothing short of something that needs to be documented for the entire world to see! Or maybe I just think that because it's happening to me, either way, this has been something that never fails to make me shake my head and wonder, "Is this normal?" This weekend, however, was probably the most disastrous and crazy and frustrating weekends of them all.

Last weekend we came across "The House" located in Phelan. It was everything Michael and I had wanted and more! So we were all set to make an offer, but took one last drive down that gnarly dirt road and decided that it would be too hard to move us, with a new baby, so far off a main road. So after much deliberation we decided not to make an offer and cancel our search in Phelan and Oak Hills, and move our search to.. ::gulp:: The Antelope Valley. Yes.. I know... I said I'd NEVER move there, but the houses up there, especially in Quartz Hill, are nice homes in nice neighborhoods and close to Michael's work, making it the logical decision for our new family. So I figured at least it was worth checking it out, considering it would be the most affordable for us. So we contacted an agent, who the girls in Michael's office had used many times, and gave her what we were looking for, and we were all planned to check these houses out on Sunday.

So after being at the racetrack all day Saturday, and not home till late, Michael and I get up early on Sunday, brave through the torrential rain storm and head up to meet our real estate agent at 11:00 AM in Lancaster. Now, our last agent, Tami, was totally great! She was really down to Earth, very positive, not pushy or salesie, just a great person to deal with. In fact, we would have kept her as our agent, but she can't access any MLS listings in the Antelope Valley and she doesn't know the area, so we had to go with another agent. We had heard that this new agent, which came recommended by almost all of Michael's co-workers, was really good, so we had no problem putting our trust in her. But let me tell you, once we met her, we had an entirely different opinion of her.... Or at least *I* did. First of all, she comes rolling into the parking lot in a Mercedes SUV, wearing a fur coat, and looking to be in her early 70's, and probably had a little bit of work done.... if you know what I mean. In fact, if any of you are fans of the show Two and A Half Men, she is EXACTLY like Evelyn Harper... you know.. Charlie and Allen's real estate agent mother... to a TEE! I was so used to the Ford truck and the jeans that our other real estate Tami used to show up in when she would show us some houses.... but whatever... I was going to listen and be open-minded. So we sit down and she hands me a folder... yes... a HUGE Remax folder filled with all these listings and of course equipped with two copies of her own personal Real Estate Magazine with her picture nice and huge on the front. I can't even look at the properties fast enough before she rips one listing out of my hand and throws another one in there. My head was literally spinning! All I wanted to do was eat my Marie Callender's Corn Bread and drink my Sprite quietly while looking over these properties, but NOOOOO... "Evelyn Harper" is tossing properties at me left and right all the while saying, "You know you really need to make your move on a house NOW, because we're running out of inventory... this isn't going to be a buyers market for much longer".... blah blah blah..... sales sales sales! I was already sick of the women and I had only spent a half hour with her... I could tell this was going to be a lovely day!

So she decides that she's going to drive us in her car, to the 6 properties that we were going to be seeing. Good God almighty, I wish, at that moment in time, that I had made out a will in advance. We're driving down the road, she's talking on her cell phone WHILE taking off her fur coat and scarf! I am not kidding you when I say I think we got close to hitting almost every single car on the road, not to mention I am sure we wore the brakes out on her little Mercedes SUV from all the slamming on them she did. And this broad has the audacity to say.... "Can you believe I got a ticket a few weeks ago for talking on the cell phone? I haven't had a ticket in years".... Please lady... I highly doubt that! I am surprised I didn't get car sick! Poor Michael is in the front seat being subjected to "Evelyn Harpers" scatterbrained ramblings while clutching the "Oh Shit" handle for dear life... and occasionally shouting out a "WATCH OUT" whenever she decided to flip an illegal U-Turn in the middle of a street without looking or when her car started to veer over the center line because she was so engrossed in her conversation about NOTHING that she forgot she was operating a motor vehicle! So we make it to the first house ALIVE, where I am tempted to get out and kiss the ground and call a friggin taxi cab, and the house was very nice. It was located in a nice neighborhood and it was well taken care of, all wood floors, very nice layout.... but offered at about $90,000 more than we wanted to really spend.... our wise and wonderful real estate agent instructed us that we could offer them about $30,000 less and *maybe* they would accept it, as the owners we're looking to move to Morro Bay, and she *thinks* they may have even found a house...... I don't know... as nice as it was, it still really wasn't worth spending the extra $60,000 OVER what we were really looking to spend... I know that the house didn't really speak to me.

So back in the death mobile we go to the rest of our houses, and again, we were EXTREMLY disappointed. Not only did she take us to houses which were well above the price we originally told her we were looking to spend, but they were all houses that would require TONS of work and located in a track where your right on top of your neighbors. Michael and I agreed that we wouldn't mind going over our initial price, if it was a house that was really worth it to us and it was something we knew we just couldn't live without.... these houses however weren't even CLOSE to cutting the mustard! So we go to see the last house of the day, already feeling like we've wasted our time. The last home is located in Llano, which is about 20 minutes away from the 15 freeway on the 138, in a rural area. It would be about 25 minutes away from Michael's work in Lancaster and about 45 minutes away from our current home in Loma Linda. The house was located in this little community called Crystalaire and let me tell you my jaw hit the floorboard of "Mr. Toad's Wild Ride" when I saw this area. It was BEAUTIFUL! Nice paved streets with streetlights, nice BIG homes where the lawns are taken care of and there are no cars up on jack-stands in the front yard, there's a private golf course and Country club located in the community that is equipped with a fishing lake, tennis courts and a swimming pool. All the houses were located on very large lots so you have neighbors, but your not on top of them. I was already really digging this already. I could picture myself walking Noah to the Country club in his stroller to go swimming in the summer time, and I was already planning how I'd learn to play some tennis, WITHOUT even seeing the house yet! So we pull up the the house, which is the last house on the street, and by far, the house with the very best view, out the back you had a beautiful view of the valley and out the front you had a beautiful view of the snow-capped mountains! This house was GORGEOUS, SPECTATULAR!!! A house that dreams are made of! It had a HUGE layout with lots of cabinets space, an AMAZING kitchen with oak cabinets, large bedrooms, an office... hell it even had it's own motorhome garage! We couldn't believe our eyes all I could think about was, "Hmmmm I wonder where I will be putting the coach".... Then... the kicker... it was $100,000 MORE than we were looking to spend! Ouch! Are you serious? Let me wipe my tears and head back to the death trap so I can die miserably in a head on collision driving down Highway 138.

Now, it's not like this house still wasn't a bargain, because it really was. This is the type of home that you could easily double your money on in 2 years once the market goes back up, no question about it. You know that this house is the best investment of it all because it's not something you have to repair or put money into, it's something that will naturally make it's way back up to the top of the market. I could tell Michael was really digging on this house too, so we told "Evelyn Harper" to take us back to the office, and we'd look at the payments and see if it was something we were willing to do at such a high amount over what we were looking to spend. We make it up to the real estate office in one piece, with the other real estate vultures. Our agent tells us, that the listing agent of the house said he has received several calls about that house, of people stating they were going to make an offer, but no offers on the table as of this point. So "Evelyn Harper" decides she's going to attempt to use the computer to show us what our down-payment would be and what our monthly payments would be... and when I say "attempted" she failed MISERABLY. All she managed to do was screw up everything in this system, and confuse the shit out of us, making us think that we'd be spending $12,000 out of pocket and have almost a $2,300 a month house payment. Michael and I kinda gave each other the whole, "Let's get the fuck out of here before she ties us up and forces us to make an offer" look and kindly told the real estate agent from hell that we needed to think about it. Of course at that point she told us to leave a $3,000 check "just in case" because there were 4 offers on that table on this house. Hmmmm that's funny... about 15 minutes ago she said there were NO offers.... Fancy footwork "Evelyn" but we're not biting!

So on the way home, and more frustrated than before, we started running over all the houses we saw and kind of decided that we needed to head our search back to Phelan and Pinion Hills, and Highland and North San Bernardino. We even contacted our old agent and told her to start looking at the house we almost made an offer on, on Smith Road, and another house we were contemplating on Windermere, as well as start looking for new properties for us to look at. Totally defeated and totally back to square one. Even on Monday, I started listing properties to get information on and sent them to Tami so we could head back out this weekend. Of course the entire day I kept getting barraded with emails from the crazy ass "Evelyn Harper" telling me how much of a great opportunity it was and that we didn't have to offer the asking price, we could offer lower, and it's worth a shot and blah blah blah. Well she then told us she had done her math wrong and the payments would be lower and so would the out of pocket expenses. Michael told her to offer a lowball price and insist that the seller cover our closing costs. Well.. again, our "GREAT" President announces on Monday his bank bailout plan, which includes that all bad debts, which include bank owned homes, will be paid off. So what bank in their right minds is going to take a low offer on a house, just to get rid of it, ESPECIALLY a house like this which is in perfect condition and can easily rebound from a poor housing market, when the government is just going to take care of it if it doesn't sell?? Well the broker of the house told our agent that it's not worth offering a price so low, because the lender won't even consider it. Gee.... Ya think???? So once again, a tiny glimmer of hope... shot to shit... then...

......Last night, while Michael is on the road in Northern California on business, (and in a foul mood as usual when he's out of town might I add.. but that's neither here nor there, I just thought I'd like to add the fact that I'm not really a fan of my husbands attitude when he's out of town on business because he takes all his stresses out on me...... but anyways... enough of my bitching about my cranky ass husband) he asks me(and actually at this point he hadn't yet reached his foul mood moment) which of the houses, out of all that I had seen that I liked the best. Well obviously I told him the house that was $100,000 out of our price range was my favorite, but know that that house just isn't a possibility for us. Well.. remember earlier how I told you we'd be willing to up our price if we found a house we couldn't live without.... well.... apparently we both found a house we couldn't live without! Apparently he talked to the guy who he has the home loan through and he said that, our insane real estate agent was wrong and that we're really only looking at $7,000 to $8,000 out of pocket and a $1,800 to $1,900 a month house payment... which is only about $200- $300 dollars more a month than we were looking to spend.. so we decided that we would be willing to spend the extra money a month and make an offer on the house. Yes, the house of our dreams! We're going to offer the asking price, but stipulate that we want $12,000 of closing costs covered as well as they have to pay for the septic and termite and roof inspection and we want a 30 day escrow. Michael and "Evelyn Harper" struck up that deal at about 12:30 this morning thru phone calls and emails( oh yeah.. and just to let you know... he had already reached his foul grumpy ass shitty pants attitude about 3 hours earlier.... just in case you were wondering when Dr. Jeckyl makes his evening appearances when Michael is away.. lol) and they were submitting the offer to the bank this morning. Soooooooooooo.... we shall keep our fingers crossed and see what they say..... who knows... if everything works out right, this nightmare may actually soon be over..... and then we can focus on the second nightmare... MOVING!!!! UGH! LOL

So.... think about us tonight and hope that the bank accepts our offer on the house so that my husband has one less thing to stress about and that he isn't such a cranky puss when he's away on business. Grrrrrrrr........ If women are cranky they are "overemotional" and "bitches".... if men are cranky they are just "overwhelmed" and have an "excuse"... Explain to me how that works??? Seriously.... I'd like to know..... Anyways... enough of my ramblings... here's hoping we get the house and that my husband isn't a complete turd tonight!!